In my family, atleast those who live near me, there is an illusion that is the concept of togetherness.  When I think of what it is to have a close family, I see people bound toghethar becuase they need to be AND they want to be.  In the families that I have known who fall in line with this description there is above all other family memebers one individual who is the lead figure.  This person is the giude, the example, the person with whom all others have faith and trust in.  The Captain of the Ship, this person influences with their values, wisdom and princiaples much of what the other family members embody in thier lives toghethar and away from each other.  This person usually is the person who helps to address disputes among family members, encourages unity, and almost always confronts the tough issues that come up in the lives of those within the family.

 

In my immediate family here, there is not a person like this.  In my family he have very little unity.  Though we all live very seperate lives, and rarely do those paths cross one another, unfortunatley there is more negativity than there is positive.  My grandfather was the central figure when I was younger, and before he died we were much closer to being the family I just described.  Since he died, my aunt  assumed the role as family Leader.  This was at first the best candidate for this role, and she earned the right to inherit this role without much second guessing.  She has proven that she can assume very complicated responsibilities, and she has the neccisary inteligence to adapt and learn most skills needed to successfully manage her responsibilities.  She presents herself to the rest of the world to be someone who knows well many things about the ways to be successful, and she radiates an artificul aura of self satisfaction which most would mistake for genuine happiness at first sight.  In truth her contempt for people, espcially men, is deeply imbeded in her pysche, and influences her life in ways even she can not see.  She is accustomed to having things her way all of the time, and there is no exception or negotiating variable that is acceptable to allow her cede her controlling death grip.  Nothing except her greed for material substance and the luxuries that weath affords those whom she aspires to stand amongst.  Selfishness is her specialty, and her unique version of this has been crafted in a way to seem like its opposite, generosity.  Many of the ritual daily tasks she performs involve things which are done for others, and I believe in her mind she feels this is the embodiment of her 'kindness'.  She works hard to keep her home clean, she maintains the basic  neccesities for living, and she tries to do things for the 'community' as a professional volunteer person.  The question that immediatly comes to my mind is this: Are thses acts the result of one kind in spirit, or the duties which only exist because of the mostly hidden agenda of a manipulative and controlling person filled with contempt for those things she views to be 'incorrect' with the world.  In this way she is able to align her view of the world with her warped concepts of generosity and kindness.  And even though many of these things are done in a selfless manner, there is never a point in which she ever lets go of her own views and desires.  Thus everthing done by her for others happens always as an act of kindness, Conditional.  She will not be out smarted, out witted, and certainly not out done by anyone.  If a view arrises within that opposess her own, then that view is cast aside.  Similarly, if a person stands in opposition to her position, then that person is cast asside.  This can and does include persons in her immediate family, including her husband, her son, her sister, mother, and nephews.  The only way to maintain family continutiy with her behaving in such ways is for everyone else to eventually go along with her.  Those that don't will remain unwelcome and seperate, while those that do will be 'rewarded' and allowed to enter the family cirlce.  This ultimatley has undermined the practical reasons why familys exist, and promotes disunity which weakens my family.  When a family member has a problem or a crisis that would be addressed in other families, our family turns a bitterly cold shoulder in disgust from that person and their problems.  It is no wonder that the phrase 'Ignorance is bliss' is one of  My Aunt's favorite sayings. 

 

I will no longer allow this type of thought to undermine those who I can reach, the people who are not blind who can see things for what they truly are.

Blogs are great.  This wonderful online forum reaches a world wide audience and anyone who happens to read these words of mine gets to glimpse into the world that is distinctly mine and quite original.  So I have decided to use this little corner of cyberspace to begin to explain the jumbled catastrophe that is my personal hell, and that is of course my disfunctional family.  I don't mean to say that my entire family is dysfunctional, but only my mothers side of my family fortunatly.  My fathers side is thank god far removed from the chaos that is, some 700 miles removed.  They are much more normal than my mothers family has ever been able to admitt, and I am very sorry that I have not spent more time with them to date.  This I hope will change sooner than later, but for now I will hold that thought for a later time.

 

To begin, I will start about 21 years ago.  My parents and my brothers lived in south Texas.  My mothers parents moved to a retirement community near where we lived from Illinois, and at the time I thought that was great.  Being close to grandparents when you are a kid is something that stays with a person the whole life.  I enjoyed spending time with my grandfather, and I enjoyed grandma's food and company.  They were always very loving, and the things my moms dad taught me have guided me thoughts to this day.  my dad worked all the time, and my mom took care of me and my bro's.  But when my dad took a job that kept him away during the week things began to unravel.  My Grandmother and my mom's sister have and still do hate my dad and his family.  they have always spoke very negativley about them and have always been busy brainwashing me and my siblings about how bad these people are.  They made sure at every opportunity to let me and my brothers know how evil they (my dad and his family) are.  They used to sit and tell stories about my dad, and some of the things he has done over the years.  He was a heavy drinker, and he definelty did do some things that were not good.  Of course I would never have known about some of the things he did, and others I can remeber.  But this will never be left in the past because they always made sure that me and my brothers knew about them to make us see our dad as some kinda of bad guy.  And when my parents divorced, this was somehow a victory and a great thing.  They were so happy, and we were supposed to be delighted about it as well.  Of course we moved to dallas and my family began to struggle, since my mom was now a single mother raising 3 kids with little education.  Of course we were better off according to the propiganda that my aunt would have you believe. 

 

My mother began to  see someone else, and eventually remarried.  Predictably, when the family did not approve of this new guy the whole process started over.  They (my aunt and grandmother) ridiculed my mother and her 'choices', and once again the hearts and minds to be won were once again those of me and my brothers.  We being children were easily woo'ed, and soon began to march to the beat of the new drum of their disattisfaction.  My poor mother found her self at odds with her entire family, and all the while was trying to make peace at home with her situation.  It really makes me sad and angry now to think about it because I realize she was caught in a trap.  When she finally divorced my stepdad, she began to have problems.  She began to take drugs, and we began to struggle financially.  Of course she asked for help, and the more she got financial assistance the more the family poured the ridicule on.  I guess there was nothing she could do right, and of course my aunt was screaming with a bull horn in my ears about how terrible she was.  And she could not forget about how much all of this was my dads fault, and she eventually would go as far as to seek to criminalize my dad.  He never paid the court ordered child support, and this was wrong.  But when it became clear that my aunt would try to have him thrown in jail for what he owed he left the state and never returned due in larged part because of her.  My mother never, to this day, has said she ever wanted him to go to jail.  Only my aunt, who has belly ached and moaned about how bad a father my dad has been all along ever said anything about jail. 

 

 

to be continued.......